An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because
she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like
to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind
telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a
living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's,
then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained 'I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go'.
Pass on These Jokes
Jokes to pass on
03/27/2008
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
Go Girl Go
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
03/27/2008
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
Anglo French Relations
An Englishman in France
An elderly English gentleman of 93 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough, monsieur, to have your passport ready.
The Englishman said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.
'Impossible monsieur, the English always have to show their passports on arrival in France!
The Englishman gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.........................................
'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen on the beach to show it to.'
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
03/27/2008
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
What!
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
03/27/2008
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
Electric
After a couple of glasses of wine.......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you.'
Yes,she says, 'I remember it well.''OK,' he says, 'how about taking a
stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh, Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As
she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both
collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, 'this is truly
amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is!' So, as the couple
passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else!! You
must've had a fantastic sex life together! Is there some sort of
secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
03/27/2008
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
Man Woman
Subject: Men Are Just Happier People
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans
take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station
toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add
character. Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one
colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.
NICKNAMES
If Laura , Kate and Julie go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura , Kate and Julie.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M& S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans
take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station
toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add
character. Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one
colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.
NICKNAMES
If Laura , Kate and Julie go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura , Kate and Julie.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M& S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
12/22/2007
Categories: Xmas
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [1] | # Link to this entry
Xmas
|
Categories: Xmas
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [1] | # Link to this entry
11/27/2007
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [1] | # Link to this entry
A picture paints a thousand words.
Giving up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.
I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Categories: Joke
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [1] | # Link to this entry
11/20/2007
Categories: Ghosts
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
Ghostly Car Ad
Strange but interesting.
This is a car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist.
They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot.
The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon.
Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road....Spooky!
Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the ad, you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background about it near the end of the commercial.
[Download]
Categories: Ghosts
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
11/20/2007
Categories: Jokes
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
Love on the Social Security
|
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." ________________________________ A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance compensation wouldn't cover all the surgery. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. the man answered, "We're re-modelling the kitchen." ________________________________ SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." ________________________________ My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the door knobs. He couldn't get back in. ________________________________ 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly" |
Categories: Jokes
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
11/20/2007
Categories: Jokes
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
Why God Created Children
|
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, Whenever your children are out of control, After creating heaven and earth, And the first thing he said was
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit ?
"No Way ! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit ! " said God.
"Why?"
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
"Then why did you ? " "I don't know,"
"Did not ! " "Did too ! "
Having had it with the two of them, Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT ! 1. You spend the first two years of their life
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. AND FI N ALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
|
Categories: Jokes
posted by SMILE at 10:00:00 am | Leave Comment [0] | # Link to this entry
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