An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because
she   had just gotten married   for the fourth time.
 
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like
to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
 
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
 
'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind
telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a
living.
 
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's,
then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a   funeral director.
 
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.
 
She smiled and explained 'I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go'. 

An Englishman in France

 

An elderly English gentleman of 93 arrived in Paris by plane.  At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

 

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

 

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

 

'Then you should know enough,  monsieur, to have your passport ready.

 

The Englishman said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

 

'Impossible monsieur, the English always have to show their passports on arrival in France!

 

The Englishman gave the Frenchman a long hard look.  Then he quietly explained.........................................

 

'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen on the beach to show it to.'

Giving up Wine 

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.

I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'   

BaBOOM!

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
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You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. 

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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."

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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
_____________________________________

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

_____________________________________
 
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

_____________________________________
 
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

_____________________________________
 
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

_____________________________________
 
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

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My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??" I said "I wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

_____________________________________
 
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." 

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

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So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. 

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So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

_____________________________________
 
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

_____________________________________
 
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you"

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So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull Goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

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So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal. 

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. 

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I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

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So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

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THE RED INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE:   

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose givenname was Onestone.     
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"     
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.        Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Goodmorning, Onestone."         

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where hemade love to her all day and all night.    He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died fromexhaustion.    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.            Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed When she sawOnestone.            She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."            Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then    he madelove to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to    her allthe next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow    Birdwouldn't die!             


What is the moral of this  story?????...........................                 



OH, Come on...take a guess!                                                                       

Think about it...       


                            (You're going to love this!)                                                         


And the moral is..                                                                                             


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'what are all the Congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame. What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her  baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the  lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed     that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.       Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX   2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly  and slightly deaf female patient's interior chest wall. "Big breaths," I  instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.         Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA   3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that  her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he     had died of a "massive internal fart."         Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg   4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having troublewith one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't  see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches onhis body! Now, the instructions  include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.       Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA   5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,      "Howlong have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion       she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was  alive."         Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR   6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this  morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem  to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."         Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI   7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman  with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of  tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for  immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the  staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there  was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed,  the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,  "Sorry, hadto mow the  lawn."         Submitted by RN no name     AND FINALLY...   8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed  when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I  had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.      The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam  suddenlyburst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up    from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"  She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,  "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".     Dr. Wouldn't submit his name     (Can't blame him!)