SOCIAL SECURITY SEX       

Two men were talking.  "So, how's your sex life?"  "Oh,  nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."   

"Social Security sex?"       

"Yeah, you know I get a little each month, but not enough to liveon!"   

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LOUD SEX   

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."       

"My dear," the  shrink said, "that's  completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."  "The problem is,"  she complained, "it wakes me up!" 

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QUIET SEX  Tired of a listless sex life, the man came  right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,    "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" 

She  glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"     

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CONFOUNDED  SEX   

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance compensation wouldn't cover all the surgery.  The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

  The man  was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.  The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The  doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.    "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.  the man  answered, "We're re-modelling the kitchen."   

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

SEX  A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of  their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm  getting you a headstone that reads:    'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."   
"Yeah," she  replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone  that reads:    Here Lies My  Husband - Stiff At  Last.'"   

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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS  SEX   

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."  He was right.  When he went out of the  bedroom, I squirted it all over the door knobs. He couldn't get back in.   

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ELDERLY  SEX     

One night an

87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.  Brought before  the court on  charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.  She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly"