An elderly English gentleman of 93 arrived in Paris by plane.  At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough,  monsieur, to have your passport ready.

The Englishman said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible monsieur, the English always have to show their passports on arrival in France!

The Englishman gave the Frenchman a long hard look.  Then he quietly explained.........................................

'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen on the beach to show it to.'

After a couple of glasses of wine.......

     
Strange but interesting. 

This is a car  advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished  filming the ad, the film editor noticed something  moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly  white mist. 

They found out that a person had been  killed a year earlier in that exact same spot.   

The ad was never put on TV because of the  unexplained ghostly phenomenon. 

Watch the front end  of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of  the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in  front of the car then following it along the road....Spooky! 

Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist?  You decide. If you listen to the ad, you'll even  hear the cameraman whispering in the background  about it near the end of the commercial.

[Download]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX       

Two men were talking.  "So, how's your sex life?"  "Oh,  nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."   

"Social Security sex?"       

"Yeah, you know I get a little each month, but not enough to liveon!"   

________________________________ 

LOUD SEX   

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."       

"My dear," the  shrink said, "that's  completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."  "The problem is,"  she complained, "it wakes me up!" 

________________________________ 

QUIET SEX  Tired of a listless sex life, the man came  right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,    "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" 

She  glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"     

________________________________ 

CONFOUNDED  SEX   

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance compensation wouldn't cover all the surgery.  The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

  The man  was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.  The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The  doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.    "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.  the man  answered, "We're re-modelling the kitchen."   

________________________________ 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

SEX  A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of  their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm  getting you a headstone that reads:    'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."   
"Yeah," she  replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone  that reads:    Here Lies My  Husband - Stiff At  Last.'"   

________________________________ 

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS  SEX   

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."  He was right.  When he went out of the  bedroom, I squirted it all over the door knobs. He couldn't get back in.   

________________________________ 

ELDERLY  SEX     

One night an

87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.  Brought before  the court on  charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.  She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly" 

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
_____________________________________
 
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. 

_____________________________________
 
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
_____________________________________
 
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

_____________________________________

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."

_____________________________________

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
_____________________________________

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

_____________________________________
 
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

_____________________________________
 
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

_____________________________________
 
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

_____________________________________
 
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

_____________________________________
 
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

_____________________________________
 
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

_____________________________________
 
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??" I said "I wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

_____________________________________
 
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." 

_____________________________________

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

_____________________________________

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. 

_____________________________________
 
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

_____________________________________
 
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

_____________________________________
 
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you"

_____________________________________
 
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

_____________________________________
 
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull Goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

_____________________________________
 
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal. 

_____________________________________
 
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

_____________________________________
 
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. 

_____________________________________
 
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

_____________________________________
 
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

_____________________________________
 
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

_____________________________________

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose givenname was Onestone.     
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"     
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.        Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Goodmorning, Onestone."         

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where hemade love to her all day and all night.    He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died fromexhaustion.    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.            Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed When she sawOnestone.            She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."            Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then    he madelove to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to    her allthe next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow    Birdwouldn't die!             


What is the moral of this  story?????...........................                 



OH, Come on...take a guess!                                                                       

Think about it...       


                            (You're going to love this!)                                                         


And the moral is..                                                                                             


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'what are all the Congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame. What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------- -----
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
------------------------------ ------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to Tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*****I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws
they've passed.
--------------------------------------------- ---------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ----------------------------------- -----------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderf ul teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------------ - -----
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk
to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's ba r?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wi fe said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to yo ur wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

  Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they

  DAVID BLAINE TEST

  This is creepy!
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .

  Think of a letter between
  A and W
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Repeat it
  out loud as
  you scroll down
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Keep going
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Don't stop
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Think of an
  animal
  that begins
  with that letter
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Repeat it
  out loud
  as you
  scroll down
  ..
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Think of either
  a man's or a woman's
  name
  that
  begins
  with the
  last letter
  in the
  animal's name
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  ..

  Almost
  there
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Now
  count out
  the letters
  in that name
  on the fingers
  of the hand
  you are not
  using to
  scroll down
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Take the
  hand you
  counted with
  and hold it out
  in front of you
  at face level
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Look at your
  palm
  very closely
  and
  notice
  the
  lines
  on
  your
  hand
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .

  Do the lines
  take the
  form of the
  first letter
  in the
  persons name?
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Of course they
  F****ing
  don't !
  .
  .
  .
  ..
  .
  Now smack
  yourself in the head,
  get a life,
  and
  quit playing
  stupid
  e-mail games!

--------------------------------------

  aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern
small-town
  prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand
motherly,
  elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.

  Sanders, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know
you,
  Mr. Desmond. I've known you since you were a young boy and
frankly,
  you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your
  wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their
  backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to
  realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit,

  paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not
knowing
  what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
  Sanders, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied,

  "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since He was
youngster,
  too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't
  build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one
  of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his
  wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I
  know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked
both
  counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice
said,
  "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to
  the electric chair."

---------------------------------------

GROAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
   
    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
    redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
    since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
   
    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
    socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of

    the air, and hands it back.
   
      "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back
    in place.
      "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
   
      They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go
    to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she
    shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
   
    She listens.
   
      After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
    come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
   
    They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
   
    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

    The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
   
    "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice

    to every guy you meet?"
   
      "No," she replies. . .
   
   
   
   
   
   
      Wait for it. .
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
      It's coming. .
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
      The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
   
   
   
   
   
   
      She says:
      "You just happened to catch my eye."
   
      (Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

--------------------------

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,    trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,

  "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
happen."
[]
"I should be in charge," said the blood ,

  "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste
away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,

  "because I process food and give all of you energy."

[]"I should be in charge," said the legs,

  "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

[]

  "I should be in charge," said the eyes,

  "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

[]

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,

  "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

  and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the

brain

  had a terrible headache, the

  stomach

  was bloated, the

  legs

  got wobbly, the

  eyes

  got watery, and the

  blood

  was toxic.

  They all decided that the rectum should be the boss .
The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge!

[]

_+_______________

The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns

until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women,
what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from
!
DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.

So did the first " Marlboro Man. "

PEARLS MELT

IN VINEGAR!

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

  3. How about never? Is never good for you?

  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

  6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

  10. Ahhhh... I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.

  11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

  18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?

  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

  23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

  24. Do I look like a bloody people person to you?

  25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

  26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

  30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

  31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

  32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

  33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door ........1?

  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

  36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

  38. I thought I wanted a career it turns out I just needed the money.

  39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

  40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

  41. Aren't you a black hole of need?

  42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

  43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

  44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

  45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

  46. I'm too busy. Can I ignore you some other time?

  47. Don't let your mind wander. Its too small to be let out on its own.

  48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

  49. You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement straight away!

  50. You are as pretty as a picture. I'd really like to hang you.

  51. Don't believe everything you think.

  52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring

______________________________

http: //memoriter.net/flash/test.html

______________________________

The three most valuable brand names on earth: 

Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

Thanks to me!

-----------------------------

BEFORE THE COMPUTER
 
 
FUNNY - What Things Were "Before The Computer"....
 

This is really funny, particularly for us older folks, that remember
what use to be....

"Memory" was something you lost with age!
an "Application" was for employment!
a "Program" was a TV show!
a "Cursor" used profanity!
a "keyboard" was a piano part!
a "web" was a spider's home!
a "virus" was the flu!
a "CD" was a bank account!
a "hard drive" was a long trip on the road!
a "mouse pad" was where a mouse lived!

And if you had a "3 inch floppy" . ..
you just hoped nobody
 
 

  1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?    (because they
are plugged into a genius)   

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING
SEX?    (they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1
MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONEEGG?    (they don't stop to ask directions)   

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
    (because their balls fall over their butt-hole andthey vapor lock) 

  5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?    (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktailsparties)   

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?   
(you need a rough draft before you make a finalcopy)

  7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEATDOWN?    (don't
know.....it never happened)    ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your
blonde jokes!)   

And the personal favorite:    8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?    (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)   

One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided towash his Sweat-shirt
Seconds after he stepped intothe laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting doI use on the washing machine?""It depends," I replied. "What does it say on yourshirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma ."And they say blondes are
dumb...-----------------------------------------------     

  A couple is lying in bed. The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in theworld." The woman replies, "I'll miss
you..."-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack saysas he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do youthink the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawnlike this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," shereplied.       

  Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,sensitive man? A: A rumor 
-----------------------------------------------     

* Dear Lord,I
pray for Wisdom to understand my man Love toforgive him And Patience for his moods. Because,Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him todeath. AMEN 
-----------------------------------------------  -

Q: Why do little
boys whine?A: They are practicing to be men.----------------------------------------------- --

  Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bedgasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.  ----------------------------------------------- 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual." 
-----------------------------------------------

A mouse looked through the crack In the wall to see the farmer and His wife open a package.   What food might this contain?' The mouse wondered - He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:  There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!' The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, 'Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.   I cannot be bothered by it.'
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, 'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'   The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.'
The mouse turned to the cow and said 'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'   The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose.'
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.   The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, She did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.  The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital ,   And she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the Farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.   To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well. She died.   So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.   The mouse looked upon it all from His crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone Is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.   We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.   SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.   REMEMBER,,,,   One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend.
It's so great to find someone  who you can annoy for the rest of their life.'